But would you believe that I spent the last couple of weeks dedicated to trying mightily and hard to uncover the identity of tonight's author before hurling the fruits of these findings to splat on your walls. Maybe I spent the week after mired in self-pity at having failed you... failed YOU, the Internet, whom I adore. Maybe the week after I picked myself up off the floor of despondency was passed by trying, and trying hard because I'd already failed you in so many ways, to make it through this story without losing my beans entirely. Because it's just that good.
Believe me? I suppose you don't have to.

(Sincere request for full or partial bi(bli)ographical information if you have a better clue than me)